tomorrow we hit the one year mark. the one year mark of kk (kayla) being gone. i've lost a lot of people close to me in my life and i've never been one to remember the dates others have died. so i'm not quite sure why this one year mark is hitting me so hard. it might be because i still can't wrap my brain around the fact that she is actually gone.
a year ago tonight we all received a text message saying kayla needed our prayers because she was in the hospital. i know i was pretty tired and out of it when i saw the text message so i think i said a quick prayer and went back to sleep. kayla had had lots of visits to the hospital because she often didn't feel good so i just figured she was having a hard time staying hydrated or something of that sort and that's why she was in the hospital. a couple of hours later rhett woke me up to let me know kayla had actually been in a bad car accident and things were not looking good. we didn't have a lot of information but we knew enough that we needed to get in the car and go. i literally threw a bunch of clothes and diapers in a bag in the dark and loaded our kids in the car. i just kept hoping and praying that we would at least get to see kk one more time. she was in a hospital somewhere in new mexico so i knew the chances of us getting there in time probably weren't good, but heck, we were sure going to try. we didn't even get out of our neighborhood before we got a phone call from rhett's mom saying kayla had passed away. i hate that our kids saw our reactions to the news. especially rhett's, it still haunts me to relive that moment. we drove back to our house and just sat in the dark living room not knowing what to do next. i've never had my house feel so dark and cold. it was still very early morning (like 4:30) but we knew we couldn't just sit at our house. we loaded the kids back up and went to gramcrackers house. the second we walked through the door we knew we were in the right place. her house felt warm and safe. apparently everyone felt that way because slowly family just started to show up throughout the morning. we didn't have the whole family together but still, it felt so good to be surrounded by family. we got home super late that night and felt so blessed to have some amazing friends stop by and give rhett a blessing of comfort. i was so numb by that point i really don't think i was feeling anything. the next morning i packed for real for us and we headed to boise to go to rhett's parents house. they were still in new mexico getting taft and picking up kayla's things but knew they would be back within the next day or two. luckily before we knew it everyone was able to come home and be together. it felt so comforting to have us all gathered under one roof. i just remember wanting so badly to bubblewrap everyone to keep everyone safe from any harm. it was such a hard week but also a week full of tender mercies. i feet so blessed to have been a part of some very special experiences that week. a lot of that week is a blur in my head. i know i hardly slept and we were on the go a lot trying to figure everything out for the services. there was an amazing funeral held in emmett and then a small service in idaho falls were she was buried next to bumpa butch.
that had to of been one of the hardest weeks for our little family. i could hardly handle the pain i was feeling. i knew if i was in that much pain it had to be even worse for rhett. i hate seeing rhett hurt. it's horrible to see. and not only were we hurting but our kids were hurting too. they all knew and loved their auntie soo much. i think one important lesson we taught our kids during that experience was to see the beauty in everything, even when times are hard. we have worked really hard to find the joy in life this past year. we for sure haven't always succeeded but i still think our kids benefited from it.
i miss soooo much about kayla. we are the exact same age. i was only 18 when i met and married rhett. luckily kayla was up to byui during the same time rhett and i started dating. we instantly clicked and became good friends. we had ten awesome years together. but ten years is not enough. i need at least 60 more!!
i miss our long 3 hour phone conversations. i miss having you to vent to. i miss our sleepovers where we would stay up 4am being weirdos. i miss having someone to talk to about things only you would understand. i miss your brutal honesty and also your loving hand. my heart hurts knowing my kids don't get to have you physically by their side as their auntie. i know you are here for us though. just not in the way i selfishly want you to be.
i don't normally open up this much on my blog. i just have this overwhelming feeling and need to write everything i can about kayla. i have about a bajillion memories i would love to write about (although most of them are probably too embarrassing). i want our kids to know her and remember her FOREVER! she has been and always will be such a blessing in our lives.
