one feels like none

my girls are on their long drive back home right this very minute! i seriously can't even wait, i've missed them more than i thought possible.  

did you know only having one kid almost feels like having no kids.  riggs was super easy this week.  we realized he throws way less tantrums when his sisters aren't around.  haha.  i think i witnessed two tantrums this entire time and it was mostly my fault because it was way past his bedtime both times.  riggs enjoyed being an only child for a few days.

i kept really busy while the girls have been gone mostly because i honestly didn't know what to do with myself.  

i attempted potty training riggs one day......

that's so not happening right now.

i was feeling the pressure since he is two and a half, but honestly he is not ready at all.

he has to have surgery in the next month or two so i figure potty training might be a waste of time anyway for now, right?

i finally finished painting our deck.  that's was not fun.  but it looks a lot better! our yard needs a lot of work and i get really overwhelmed overtime i look at it.  so baby steps is what we are doing.  we have a little grass in the back and the deck is painted, small improvements.

i was able to take riggies on a date saturday night.  we picked up some chicken and went to the lake to play at the park there.  he laughed and laughed the whole time we swung.  he loved it.

some highlights from my weekend 

*i organized every single picture i own and put them into some nice picture containers that will keep my pictures safe.  that's a project i have been wanting to cross off for months.

*i was able to go do some massages with a friend.  i was so nervous because i hadn't given anyone a massage for a really, really long time.  turns out it's kind of like riding a bike.  it was good for me to be able to give some massages so i don't completely lose all my skills and i had so much fun with my friend that day. 

*i even read an entire book a couple days ago.  i can't tell you the last time i was able to do that! 

so all in all it turned out to be a fun little break for me.  but seriously, i'm counting down the minutes until my girls are home!!!

my girlies

these girls woke at 5:30am and took off this morning to go spend 5 days with their grandma and bumpa.  it's only 8:55am right now and i am already missing them terribly.  like i have a pit in my stomach feel sick kind of missing them.  i kept asking them over and over this morning, 'are you sure you want to go?'  tacey kept responding with 'mom, chill. it's not like we are going to be gone a month!'  they gave me some super tight hugs and kisses and hopped in the car with a ton of excitement.  i can count how many times i've been away from these girls and it hasn't been very much which is why it probably gives me awful anxiety sending them off.

i'm going to try and make the best of it and just soak in this time i have with my little riggie roo and rhett.  i'm also wondering if i am going to be able get a ton done these next few days because i'm down two kids or if it is going to make it harder to get things done because my two best helpers are missing.  hmm, we shall see i guess.

celebrating kk

7.13.16 marks one year since kk has been gone.  it's a day the entire family had been dreading.  tacey told me a couple of weeks ago she didn't want it to be a sad day, she wanted it to be happy day and do something fun.  so that's exactly what we did, we had a day of fun to celebrate our kk.

okay, it didn't start out as super fun but....the rest of the day got much better after this pesky little appointment. 

 we took the kids to watch the secret life of pets which was pretty cute actually!

rhett grilled us some burgers and we had some dinner and toasted 'to kk'! 

if you've had many dinners with rhett's family you'll understand the toasting!

 after dinner we loaded up in the rzr to head to the lake! hahaha, the kids had me laughing so hard with them wearing their goggles the whole way there.

the dreaded day actually turned into a pretty good day.  sure love this family of mine!!

kk

tomorrow we hit the one year mark.  the one year mark of kk (kayla) being gone.  i've lost a lot of people close to me in my life and i've never been one to remember the dates others have died.  so i'm not quite sure why this one year mark is hitting me so hard.  it might be because i still can't wrap my brain around the fact that she is actually gone.

a year ago tonight we all received a text message saying kayla needed our prayers because she was in the hospital.  i know i was pretty tired and out of it when i saw the text message so i think i said a quick prayer and went back to sleep.  kayla had had lots of visits to the hospital because she often didn't feel good so i just figured she was having a hard time staying hydrated or something of that sort and that's why she was in the hospital.  a couple of hours later rhett woke me up to let me know kayla had actually been in a bad car accident and things were not looking good.  we didn't have a lot of information but we knew enough that we needed to get in the car and go.  i literally threw a bunch of clothes and diapers in a bag in the dark and loaded our kids in the car.  i just kept hoping and praying that we would at least get to see kk one more time.  she was in a hospital somewhere in new mexico so i knew the chances of us getting there in time probably weren't good, but heck, we were sure going to try.  we didn't even get out of our neighborhood before we got a phone call from rhett's mom saying kayla had passed away.  i hate that our kids saw our reactions to the news.  especially rhett's, it still haunts me to relive that moment.  we drove back to our house and just sat in the dark living room not knowing what to do next.  i've never had my house feel so dark and cold.  it was still very early morning (like 4:30) but we knew we couldn't just sit at our house.  we loaded the kids back up and went to gramcrackers house.  the second we walked through the door we knew we were in the right place.  her house felt warm and safe.  apparently everyone felt that way because slowly family just started to show up throughout the morning.  we didn't have the whole family together but still, it felt so good to be surrounded by family.  we got home super late that night and felt so blessed to have some amazing friends stop by and give rhett a blessing of comfort.  i was so numb by that point i really don't think i was feeling anything.  the next morning i packed for real for us and we headed to boise to go to rhett's parents house.  they were still in new mexico getting taft and picking up kayla's things but knew they would be back within the next day or two.  luckily before we knew it everyone was able to come home and be together.  it felt so comforting to have us all gathered under one roof.  i just remember wanting so badly to bubblewrap everyone to keep everyone safe from any harm.  it was such a hard week but also a week full of tender mercies.  i feet so blessed to have been a part of some very special experiences that week.  a lot of that week is a blur in my head.  i know i hardly slept and we were on the go a lot trying to figure everything out for the services.  there was an amazing funeral held in emmett and then a small service in idaho falls were she was buried next to bumpa butch.

that had to of been one of the hardest weeks for our little family.  i could hardly handle the pain i was feeling.  i knew if i was in that much pain it had to be even worse for rhett.  i hate seeing rhett hurt.  it's horrible to see.  and not only were we hurting but our kids were hurting too.  they all knew and loved their auntie soo much.  i think one important lesson we taught our kids during that experience was to see the beauty in everything, even when times are hard.  we have worked really hard to find the joy in life this past year.  we for sure haven't always succeeded but i still think our kids benefited from it.

i miss soooo much about kayla.  we are the exact same age.  i was only 18 when i met and married rhett.  luckily kayla was up to byui during the same time rhett and i started dating.  we instantly clicked and became good friends.  we had ten awesome years together.  but ten years is not enough.  i need at least 60 more!!

i miss our long 3 hour phone conversations.  i miss having you to vent to.  i miss our sleepovers where we would stay up 4am being weirdos.  i miss having someone to talk to about things only you would understand.  i miss your brutal honesty and also your loving hand.  my heart hurts knowing my kids don't get to have you physically by their side as their auntie.  i know you are here for us though.  just not in the way i selfishly want you to be.

i don't normally open up this much on my blog.  i just have this overwhelming feeling and need to write everything i can about kayla.  i have about a bajillion memories i would love to write about (although most of them are probably too embarrassing).   i want our kids to know her and remember her FOREVER! she has been and always will be such a blessing in our lives.  

4th of july

rhett's parents were still in town from celebrating grandma warren's birthday so we were able to spend our 4th of july with them.

if we are not out of town we always head to rexburg for the parade!

after the parade we walked around the park to see the different vendors and ate lunch at 'gatorades' aka gator jacks. (:

later that day we met with some of the family up at the cemetery.  we brought some dinner and watched the sunset.  it was a beautiful night.

rhett's parents bought some balloons and markers for us all to write kk a message.

taft designed kayla's headstone and this was the first time we were all able to see it.  he did such a wonderful job.  i need to post a picture of the back sometime.

after the sunset we headed to what we thought was a good place to watch the fireworks.  haha, we were so wrong.  it was a horrible spot and so not worth the wait for us.  our view was completely blocked by billboards and lights.  i think next year if we are home we are better off just sitting in our yard watching all the neighbors fireworks.  they've all been setting off pretty decent ones for the past couple weeks!

jackson hole and bar j

gramcracker turned 80 today.  i sure love this lady.  i've always felt so loved and cared about from her.  not to mention she helps me out so much with my littles whenever i need a trusty babysitter.  to celebrate her birthday a lot of the family got together and headed to jackson!

i didn't get a lot of pictures of the whole family but i did get a few of our little fam.

we beat everyone up there and had a couple of hours to kill.  we found the cutest bookstore that the kids just loved!  

we headed to a museum and while we were there they told us that if you have a fourth grader your whole family can go to yellowstone for free! so i think we have a yellowstone trip in our future!

once the whole family got into town we headed to bar j.  it's on a ranch in jackson and they feed you dinner and put on a little show for you.

it was a lot of waiting and sitting around and doesn't get done until about 10pm.  the kids were pretty restless during the show but for the most part i was impressed with how well they did, especially riggins.

a day at the lake

a couple of weeks ago renee and the boys came up to stay with us overnight.  we loaded up the kids once they got here and headed to the lake.  we stayed there a good 6-7 hours.  the kids had a blast.  riggins thinks he is a big kid which makes it not very relaxing for me.  he also wouldn't keep his swimming suit on so he looked completely homeless running around in a diaper.

 i finally made him put on a lifejacket when i realized he wouldn't just sit by my side all day like he did last summer.  that's poor riggins in that purple suit/jacket.  poor boy looks like a girl.  haha.  

 once we finally got home riggins fell asleep right on the living room floor.  he NEVER does that!  

and somehow this happened later on that night.  rhett threw some shampoo on the tramp to give the kids a 'bath.'  haha.

the kids had so much fun all together and renee and i had a great time catching up.  i'm so glad they were able to come stay with us!